That which seems to escape me

The product of my lit class, not because I am learning anything, but because I am bored to tears.

Why is it that when we look for love we find trouble, and when we don't look for love, it falls into our lap? I have decided to no longer look for love, but instead to mind my own business and go about life with my eyes open, so that when love falls into my lap I shall be able to notice it and quick to embrace it.

Life, Drama, and Setting Myself Up to Fail

First off, this is an extremely long entry, enter at your own risk. Second, if you make it to the end, you should be congratulated for reading almost two pages of me ranting. That is all. Enjoy.

Life. What to do with it? You remember the times when we were all young and had no cares in the world? All we wanted to do was to have fun and play. But it seems as soon as we hit middle school, life changes, a lot. All of a sudden other things are important: how we look, how other people look, for some of us how are grades are, etc. And then once we hit high school, everything just gets worse. You get the drama that comes with being a teenager, and if your unlucky like me, it follows you into college. Then again, it wasn't my entire fault, I was home schooled all through high school, but that left me to catch up in the experience and drama department. Freshmen year was a lot of learning, and not just in my classes, but also in learning about life outside of the bubble that my family likes to create. And then towards the end of the year I got my fair share of drama, but it all worked out in the end. Come sophomore year, you would hope that the drama would go away, that I had learned my lesson and would know how to spot drama coming a mile away and avoid running into him again. But as it would turn out, I had a lot left to learn, and drama wasn't going to let me off easy...

So there was this girl, right? I met her in one of my classes and thought she was cute. And lo and behold we ended up in the same group together to meet and discuss things we were learning in class. And on top of that, I got a Facebook message from this girl a few days later asking me if I wanted to pair up with her for a group project we had to do. I was ecstatic to say the least, nervous was more like it. So we ended up doing the project together and I got to know her and she was really nice. I saw more and more of her as the semester went on, we would study for tests together, work on projects together, and eventually we were sitting with each other in class every day. I thought things were going great, and this being my first time in a situation were there was a good chance for a relationship to develop, I went about things very cautiously. I look back now and we spent so much time together and saw each other so often that we might as well have been a couple. We just weren't officially dating. Well second semester came along, and at first we didn't see a whole lot of each other. But we quickly fixed that and we began having lunch together at least twice a week. Then all of a sudden, it happened. For about a week she ignored me almost completely, talking to me just enough to give me some made up excuse explaining why she wasn't able to see me or talk to me. That week was awful, and it was during Torrey conferences, which meant no classes and little homework, and lots of time I had been planning on seeing her, and lots of time I ended up spending worrying, wondering why she was doing this to me, trying to think of something I had done wrong to offend her in any way. The next week I got a text from her saying that we needed to talk. Oh boy. I wasn't so sheltered growing up that I didn't know what that usually meant. So we met and talked over lunch that Monday, she apologized for "cutting me off" as she put it. Apparently a couple of her friends had been asking her about me, mentioning that we had been spending a lot of time together lately, and they wanted to know if we were going out. Of course she told them " no" since we had not been out on an official date, although there are two occasions that immediately come to kind that easily passed as "unofficial" dates. She said that since I had never made a move to ask her out on a real date, and since she didn't believe that the girl should make the first move, we weren't going out, which I agreed with as making sense. I then decided to jump, figuring it was now or never. I asked her out on a proper date right then and there, to which she said yes. Oh man. I was flying that entire day, and Friday couldn't come fast enough. Friday night came, we went to see a movie, one that she specifically asked if we could see, and as far as I knew, the date went extremely well. The next week we saw each other as we normally did, lunch twice a week and plenty of texting. The main thought in my mind that week was "How do you go about making some one your girlfriend once you have been on a date." Well the week after that one was a busy one for both of us, and we didn't see much of each other as exams and meetings kept us from having lunch like we normally did. But that Thursday night proved to be one that I have re-lived in my mind countless times over. I was in lab and she was texting me, as we some times did, but this time our conversation ended with her asking me some questions to which she did not like the answer regarding a club that we went to. She noticed that I wasn't as involved as she was in the club, and she wanted to know why, including why I joined the club in the first place. I answered her truthfully: I had initially joined the club because of her, I wanted to be able to spend more time with her, but as time went on, I came to enjoy the club all on it's own. Well she didn't seem to like that answer and I soon found myself in an l too familiar situation. She had cut me off again. But this time completely and for almost two weeks. This was during Easter vacation, so it's not like I could have gone to see her in person to talk. When she finally responded to a Facebook message, she gave me the excuse that she had been really busy lately and couldn't get back to me. She then went on to tell me that she thought we were better off as "just friends". Well I kinda saw this coming, being the second time she had done this, but it hurt all the same. I felt crushed. I didn't know what to do. Since then we have seen each other twice, each time we babbled awkwardly for a few seconds before running off in different directions. Bu each time I saw her it felt like some one had punched me in the gut. We have only spoken to each other those two times. It was an awkward few last weeks of the school year, but I got through it. I give thanks to God for my roommate and some close friends with whom I ended up talking to about all of this which really helped. But to tie everything back to what I think I was originally saying, it's times like these when I see two of my good friends get engaged and all of my friends talking of getting married and things like this when I am constantly reminded that I in fact do not have a "special someone". It seems that I am reminded enough as it is every day that I am single and many other people are in relationships (stupid Facebook ads), and sometimes it just gets to me. Why haven't I found someone to love and to love me? I can only pray that the Lord will bring the right person to me in his own perfect timing, otherwise it will be doomed to fail just as this last one was. Lord, protect me from myself, as often times, there is no greater threat to my soul than my own doings and my impatience and dislike of not knowing where I am going in life. Please help me to trust in you more and more each day and to rely upon you for my strength, because when I try to rely on anything else, I am simply setting myself up to fall.