Solace Searching

Empty staring, really caring?
Lost in thoughts, caught up on the inside, barely watching the world swirl around and pass me by like a separate realm.
It's all a blur, where did it go? I turn around and realize the world is moving so much faster than I had known before.
Now with my head spinning, I attempt to wrench control of my world back from the chaos.
Too little too late? Time will tell.
Nothing's for certain 'cept for this: Shall these continue much longer, the strains that these burdens place on me will drive me to a point from which all that may be derived is madness.
Slowly slipping, quietly falling, fading, always fading, will there be silence?

I miss it.

The Animal with the Mask of a Man

The truth is what we make it seem.
In a world of actors and half-false emotions, what is real, what is truth?
Even our own feelings cannot be trusted, for they are played with and played on by the actions and desires of others. And in the end, most people of the world are only ever interested in that which will benefit themselves the most, and if your own interests fall in line with those of others, then have you found "friends", "companions"? Or have you simply found a fellow traveler on the Road of Life, someone who will take advantage of you and toss you in the road as soon as it would "benefit" them? There is no hope for man in and of himself, for he is a wicked and depraved creature. Ready to do whatever it takes to obtain that which he wants. That is not a man, that is an animal. That is what a man is with out the Truth; nothing but a savage beast, driven by the carnal instincts, serving only himself.


Another one to add to the collection of odd, sleep-deprivation-induced rants... its all so weird...

Waiting...

Waiting on God. Not always an easy place to be in. Especially when I feel I already know what I need to be doing. I feel that I know what God wants for me, but They don't see me as being able to know right now. My response? First, disappointment. I wanted them to share with me in this, not throw every reason they can at me and make it so that I feel they don't understand me. Second, anger and frustration. Now I feel they are denying me this, that they are attempting to control me, though they will say that they do not. They say they do these things because they love me and they wouldn't be able to call themselves good parents if they didn't voice concerns over this. And I can understand that, to an extent. I also feel that they need to stop judging me so harshly. They expect me to live up to their lofty standards, but that's not me, and in their stubbornness, they won't see it until after it is done. So much of me wishes that they could just be happy for me and support me like they have said they would, but instead they have caused me to come to a place where I feel more alone than I have in a long time. So what am I going to do about all of this? Draw closer to God. In this time of feeling alone, refine my relationship with him and feel closer with him. There's always room for improvement, especially in my life. I just hope that all of this is not in vain and my reason for doing this is still here when I'm done.

Stop. Watch. Pray.

No Title

This post is dedicated to my two followers, for not deleting my from their friends list for being inexcusably inactive as of late.


Yeah yeah, its been a while since I've posted anything. For one, I have been busy... Also, I don't really know what to say on these things.... I have a couple of friends who regularly have quite insightful posts, and here I am, not the best writer around and often lacking inspiration to write anything. I've thought about just writing more about my feelings and what I'm going through currently, buuuuut then y'all would know what was going on in my head, and well, we just can't have that now can we??

Anywho, it's late, its the last Saturday night (Sunday morning) of the semester and I didn't get anywhere near as much work done as I should have.... *sigh* Just too much on my mind and crap to worry about to be able to focus well on anything that needs to be done, even though all I have done is make things harder on myself for later on during the week. Oh well, masochism is becoming more popular I hear.... Yay for Monsters, they will be one of the things keeping me moving this week.

I am so ready for the semester to be over. I feel fried, burned out and I need a break. But at the same time, I am really dreading going home and having to live under my parents and having to live by their rules again. Don't tell them I said that.... It would just serve to earn me another lecture... But yeah, not much of a break for me right away with two classes starting up right as I get back home, can't be lazy now. Also been thinking/wanting to try to find a job this summer so I can keep my current cash flow positive, mainly because I spent a lot this month on prom and my replacement iPod and have been wanting to save up for something, shiny... But at this point not sure if there is going to be a need for a while *sigh (again)* But that is a story for another time and place, for I do not feel like seeing how deep that rabbit hole goes, especially not in the mood I am currently in (its overwhelmed btw).

I am tired. Here's to hoping I can fall asleep before the sun comes up!

Relational Frustrations

More of lit class's insanity-driven writing. Was feeling slightly depressed about how it seems that all of the girls who I have liked have never wanted to be more than friends with me, and then sometimes when they consider it, they then quickly change their minds and leave me hanging out to dry. Moral of the story? Life can suck sometimes, but it gets better, just wait for it, you will be richly blessed for your patience, I was.


Why is it always the same story?
Why am I always just a friend?
Plenty of friends but none that are something more.
There's plenty of talking, that's never a problem, but I feel like I'm sometimes being used, nothing more than someone to listen to their problems.
And I've listened and advised on all kinds of things, from jobs to family issues and even relationship problems.
Why is it that they feel they can trust me with all of their private and personal stuff, but never even consider me as someone who could be a little bit more?
Whether its "can we still be friends?" or the idea of being anything more is never considered, it sometimes seems that "just a friend" is all I will ever be.

"Worth it?"

This is something that I wrote while dying of boredom in my lit class over the summer, just never posted it. Thoughts that ran through my head when considering pursuing someone.



What would happen?
Would bonds be broken, ties be cut?
Relationships fractured and hate built up where friendship once flourished?
Is it worth it?
Do the promised benefits warrant endangering so much?
And what if the worst should happen?
That all friendship would be lost and said Treasure also fail to live up to my expectations?
Would I then not be lost and lonely? Ostracized by those I had alienated with my actions?
Is it worth it?
The promise of the new while risking something old?
The promise looks good, but might it be simply a mirage set up in the desert of my life to further lead me away from the true oasis that I seek?
Would it be worth it?
To throw myself into the arms of another, risking being dropped mere moments after being caught in said tender embrace?
It is a gamble indeed, but would the cost prove too great in the end?
Is it worth it, do you know?
Is she worth it?



I look back now and I see that the thoughts that drove this were really not as significant as I had initially thought. Nothing has been broken since I began following after this oasis, simply one thing has been weakened, which turns out might be for the best...

That which seems to escape me

The product of my lit class, not because I am learning anything, but because I am bored to tears.

Why is it that when we look for love we find trouble, and when we don't look for love, it falls into our lap? I have decided to no longer look for love, but instead to mind my own business and go about life with my eyes open, so that when love falls into my lap I shall be able to notice it and quick to embrace it.